Friday, January 4, 2013

Texas Chainsaw 3D

Nice ass, bad delivery
Oh boy. What a film. This is a film that is almost impossible to dissect, because there is literally almost everything wrong with it, but as hard as it is to evaluate, its that easy to review. Like I said before, almost everything is wrong with this film, and I will get into the thing that I liked later, so I will just start with the main thing that took me out of the film. This film is a "direct" sequel to the original 1974 film. The problem is that this film takes place 20 years later and the first thing I noticed was that one character had plugs. I thought to myself, "were there people with plugs in 1994?" The guy did have Puca shells on and that was a trend in the 90's, so at the point I was just a bit curious. Then a man pulls up to the main kids in a 2007 Chrysler, and at that point I realized just how bad the script truly was. The writers didn't even fucking bother to make an attempt to make this set in the 90's and the director was too lazy to make that transition as well. The trademark black humor of the series is absent and the film comes off more as a Friday The 13th, than a TCM and there were so many laughs, but all were unintentional. So as I said, the script is awful and the dialogue is just the absolute worst. It was among the worst I have ever heard. Now for the direction. It was probably the worst directing I have seen in a Hollywood film. Everything about it is either laziness or incompetence. Nothing is handled properly. The actors are directed poorly, the technical aspects are incredibly sloppy, the attention to detail is ignored and there isn't enough carnage. The 3D is also poorly used, and yes, I saw it in 3D. There is a scene where Leatherface is running through a carnival and not a person is killed or even injured. It was nothing but a series of missed opportunities. And the thing that pisses me off the most is you don't see the lead girl's tits! Which leads me to my next point, the actors. The actors are some of the most beautiful group of people I've seen, except the older people. The kids are photographed very nicely and many of the shots are focused on one of the girl's asses or their cleavage. Clearly these people were cast solely on their looks because their delivery is absolutely atrocious. Even Tania Raymonde, who I thought was great on Lost was god awful, but fuck, is she hot. Scott Eastwood gives one of the worst performances I have ever seen and it would put community college actors in high regard, but his eyes are so dreamy <3. Again, that's what Friday the 13th is about, not Texas Chainsaw Massacre, so that goes back to the direction. That was one of my problems with the remake of TCM. It took itself to seriously and this one does too, but it tries to be fun in the beginning, for the sake of teens acting like co-eds just so they can be picked off one by one. These little things wouldn't present itself as a problem if there was enough gore, but there just wasn't enough. The production also looks like shit. Leatherface's mask looks like a cheap costume castle mask. AS hopeless as I make this film sound, there were some aspects of the film that I thoroughly liked. All the chase scenes with Leatherface had some genuine tension and when looking for Leatherface I had the "I know he's here but when is he going to pop out" feeling on unease, but then a lot of the deaths happen off screen, showing very little gore, so I was extremely let down. A lot of the ideas are stolen (yes stolen, not borrowed) from the original TCM, including: picking up a hitchhiker, person hit with hammer, person on meat hook, girl in icebox, dead body in the house. For a film that is trying to start fresh, it really lacked originality. I liked the ending, though. It was original and I thought it was the only good thing about the script. The interpretation of Leatherface is actually positive. It is more on par with the original (Gunnar Hanson). He got the stance, the run, and the innocent, yet intimidating demeanor. Best of all, he didn't scream like a bitch like in the sequels. Now the real question is; Did I like it? Well...Yea? It would be right at home with late 70's grindhouse flick with its terrible dialogue, acting, plot and technical failure. I was laughing the entire time. I would liken it to the room, though not nearly as good. I feel like this would make a perfect Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode and hopefully there will be a rifftrax. It is so bad its good, and I really don't say that often. It sucks, and hard, but the train wreck is a blast to watch. So if you want so bad its good, here you go. It was lean and never felt boring, except one part and I blame the director for being terrible, and maybe I enjoyed it because I knew it was going to suck. And this knowledge I give you should help set the stage for your viewing experience.
        -L.K

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