Friday, February 15, 2013

Beautiful Creatures

Cartoons are spooky :O
Beautiful Creatures is in many ways the spiritual successor to the very popular Twilight series; in that it is a tale of romance between a mortal human being and one with supernatural powers, which causes conflict for the super being's family, and that it is also a giant pile of garbage. I went to see this film thinking that it might be so dumb that it would be ultimately funny. And I, like the crew of the Prometheus, was so wrong. This movie is pure exploitation in the most insulting form. Pretty guys, pretty girls and a cheesy teen romance that would make even the most iron stomachs wretch with disgust. The story is so basic in that it lacks any creativity. Just because you add the twist of one being a witch, doesn't make it fresh and new, if you can't do anything with the characters. That fucking Sandra Bullock movie, Practical Magic, had more interesting magic in that. The movie has a central running theme of destiny, which is pretty typical of a romance film with a supernatural element, but if I don't care about the characters, why the hell should I care if they end up together? Now to the characters: The main character, androgynous male pussy, establishes that this is a hick town that nothing exciting happens in, and everybody knows everybody. That's alright, except for the fact that everybody is wearing designer clothes and is keeping up with the latest from the H&M collection, and basically look like an ad from the J Crew catalog, so I'm already taken out. And the female lead, Not Kristen Stewart, is a witch, although they called it a caster and 45 minutes into the movie I was so fucking tired of hearing the word caster, and although she does have no friends because everyone thinks she is weird and a devil worshiper, she does nothing to try to branch out and establish any relationship with any of these kids, leading to the supporting characters to be nothing but a bunch of one dimensional, cardboard, cutout, stereotypes that do nothing but set the south back another 100 years.
How Beautiful Creatures views the south
The depiction of the south in this was incredibly offensive to me, because the characters had access to the outside world, but they just chose to be ignorant hicks with outdated southern slang and terribly over the top accents. Also I never once cared about either of the main characters because they were both so fucking boring. That is the main problem with this film, its fucking boring. Nothing interesting happens ever. There is one fight between Not Kristen Stewart and Bulma, where the 2 girls just spun a dining room table around for about 10 minutes. Jeremy Irons and the rest of Not Kristin Stewart's family went on several tirades about how powerful Not Kristin Stewart was, which is promising, but she didn't do anything cool. All she did was make it snow in South Carolina in the winter time. Another reason why this was the spiritual successor to Twilight was how fucking lazy it was made. The editing and cinematography were so fucking bland and cheap. And the pacing was so fucking horrible. This movie was an hour way too long, and I mean this, which is shameful considering its 118 minute run time. Compare this film to Boogie Nights; where attention to detail is paid, technical skill is shown on every front, and it functions as both a story and a work of art. Beautiful Creatures is neither. It is a fucking insult to everything that represents the magic of cinema. I could have made this movie easily. Now on to the positives... Now back onto the negatives. The script was as thin as the paper it was lazily barfed onto. I am a big fan of Jeremy Irons (Love love love Dead Ringers) and he had nothing to work with. Such a waste of an academy award winner. Emma Thompson, took the route of overacting and she came off as so hammy that it was unbearable at times because she felt so out of place. Overall the acting was bad, except Jeremy Irons, who gave it his all, and was essentially the Qui Gon Jinn of this film. Like I implied before, there was no positive about this film, and it wasn't even visually interesting. The visual effects were terrible. Just straight terrible. The costumes looked like they were the aborted child of the unholy consummation of Twilight and The Hunger Games, and were quite obnoxious. This movie sucked. It was lazy, cheap, boring, and a sad excuse to exploit stupid teenage girls who have no more Twilight to look forward to. The action lacked any tension and excitement and the romance was one dimensional and very eerily reminiscent of the romance between Padme and Annakin from Star Wars episode 2 in its forced awkwardness. Most plot devices happen for the sake of convenience and lack all subtly. It is one of the worst films I have ever seen and I really don't recommend it. Its fucking boring, and while I did laugh considerably at the god awful dialogue, it is not worth your time and boy do I wonder and dread who's time it is worth.

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